Flashback
A few months ago, I was going up the elevator with a gentleman, and he had his bike with him. I asked him how far his commute was and whether or not he enjoyed it. Luckily, he only had to travel a few miles but enjoyed it immensely. I didn’t think I would be in the same situation four months later.
I am constantly looking back and seeing different clues in my past. They are more than likely a coincidence, but I can’t help but see all of the signs now (of course). Something is always waiting at the corner of our lives, but I suppose it’s up to us to find it.
I was always in awe of people who took the time to commute by bike or on foot. And I did not know that I would be one of those people. For the longest time I didn’t think I was capable of much at all and was content that way. But I think there is a breaking point a person hits where they realize that they are far more capable than they originally think.
I had another similar flashback yesterday as I was walking to the studio. I didn’t realize that I lived half a block away from this fitness studio when I moved into my first apartment in 2009. I doubt I would have even joined, just thought about it uncomfortably. And I go to fitness classes now with no fear. I remember the first day I went to Bikram yoga alone, and I was so afraid. I’m not sure what it was I was afraid of other than change and being exposed to the world. I got into class yesterday, went upstairs, and started pedaling on one of the bikes. As people entered the class, I remembered how it felt the very first time I had ever joined a class. I was scared and comparing myself to other people. And now, I just can’t wait to sweat out the whole day so I’m left fresh and clean and feeling absolutely amazing.
And as I walked back from class to the light rail station, a full mile or so, I walked slowly. The sweat was keeping me cool, and my hair was in unkempt pigtails, and it just felt good to be outside knowing that all I had to do was get home, shower, and be very lazy. I don’t think I was capable of being this person a year ago, but I am ready today. I am ready to change my life and change my perspective. I’m ready to live.
Before I left for work this morning, I looked into the full length mirror and was surprised. “Goddamn, I look good,” I thought. Without make-up, with clothes that really need to be replaced, and with all the confidence I didn’t know existed.
The greatest part about losing weight isn’t even the weight loss. Shit, I don’t even know if I’m losing weight right now. I still eat out sometimes. I still have days where I don’t want to work out. I binge. I forget meals. I get in the wrong aisle at the grocery store. But I live. Everyday, I do something I wouldn’t have the courage to do a year ago. And everyday, I make an effort to be the happiest I have ever been.
This is not a struggle toward perfection but a daily reflection of how much I fought to get to this point. And that is why I am the happiest I have ever been.
Update!
It has been far too long.
- Since having a day out with my friend and eating out for lunch and dinner, I feel like I kind of spiraled out of control with eating. Case in point: eating a whole Chipotle burrito and my supervisor exclaiming, “Wow, that could feed a family of five.” Shut it.
- I haven’t commuted to work for about a week and a half. I did commute this morning and now that I sit at work all sweaty and glowing, I can’t help but think, “Really? That’s what you were scared of?”
- My apartment was starting to become a mess until yesterday after work. I reorganized everything and have a few more items to bring to Goodwill. I know it sounds like I’m going to have an empty apartment, and I think that’s true. It feels good letting go of things.
- I have been researching tiny houses and would like to have my own built at some point. I’m thinking a 400 square foot house with a loft. I don’t think I could quite do 100-200 square feet like some people do.
- I went riding with my co-worker on Sunday, and it was great until she was hit by a truck. Thankfully, they were going at such a slow speed that she had minimal injuries. But unfortunately, she took yesterday off, because she started experiencing shoulder and knee pain. The amazing thing was that she was incredibly sweet about all of it. I would have been PISSED.
- I love my new bike. At first, I was kind of weirded out by how light and silent it is, but it feels so good, and I like it way too much.
- Today, I am back at my fitness studio after a two week break for back pain. Rose, the owner, was kind enough to give me another month. I am super grateful and will be there today doing spin and sculpt and then some pilates. I have no clue what to expect, but I suppose that’s the fun part.
- I am going to get up earlier in the morning to go on bike rides. I left around 7:00 AM this morning, and it was perfect. I found a new route and will keep on experimenting as I go.
- It’s weird not weighing myself. I am curious as to how much I weigh but at the same time I don’t really care to know. I know I definitely haven’t gained any weight with how much I move around but at the same time, it’s weird not counting all of my calories, because now it’s kind of like walking with my eyes closed. I’ll get there.
- Motorists are assholes. I have gotten a lot better at taking the lane if I need to, and it’s absolutely necessary when I’m riding downFreeport, but I was in Midtown making a left turn onL Street, and some asshole is riding my ass and then speeds off as soon as he can. People are so intent on getting to their destination; they forget that other people like to enjoy it.
- I really missed commuting to and from work, and I really need to get over my fears. If that means riding at strangely early hours, then that’s what it means. It’s okay to be afraid but totally not cool to try and ignore the problems and not finding some sort of solution.
Carless Adventures: Lots of Walking Edition
After work yesterday, I decided I would walk to the grocery store and then go back home. To my surprise, the grand opening to Sunflower Farmers Market was yesterday and because they’re merging with Sprouts Farmers Market, this means that my prayers have been answered. The best part? It’s only 1.2 miles away from my home, so I no longer have to travel further distances in order to get all of the delicious food I love. This also means that foccaccia pizza Fridays are so on.
I didn’t realize how long the trip would be, but I ended up walking over 5.5 miles. I was able to get a few items, but I was just happy to walk through and see some of my favorite items again. As I walked through the entrance, I heard someone say, “Yeah, man, this shampoo is cruelty free. Yeah, I know it costs a lot, but that’s the price you pay for caring about the world.” The store is definitely a lot smaller, and the bulk foods section can easily be crowded when there are too many people in line, but it’s definitely nice. Also, I was able to find my coconut chocolate chip Clif bars. If that isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is.
I haven’t been bike riding as much as I would like. Honestly, I haven’t been riding at all. I am going out on Sunday with my co-worker Karen to ride on the trail. Since I have to travel on the light rail, I’m taking my commuter bike with me. I didn’t realize that it takes her about fifty minutes to get from our work to her final stop. I think I’m going to bring some cameras, extra snacks, and definitely a book if the ride is going to be that long.
I am currently attempting to finish Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl, and one quote has stuck with me:
“…they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms-to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
I don’t think I would have understood this quote a year ago. A year ago, I would have thought that sometimes circumstances outside of our control can affect us so deeply that they affect how we see the world and see ourselves. And while a part of this is true, I think in the past year I have understood that regardless of outside factors what matters most is my decision to let it affect me. From there, I made the decision to be happy no matter what the circumstances are.
It takes a crazy person to change their lives to the point where they feel like an entirely different person. And if you haven’t already noticed, I’m pretty fucking crazy.
Carless Adventures: Slow Progress
Some mornings, I wake up, and I don’t want to ride. I had one of those mornings today. While I was pretty disappointed in my lack of willingness to ride, I also realized that I’m going to have days like this. And that’s okay. I didn’t change my life in a day, and I’m not going to become some bicycling master after a month. This is a transition and what I’ve learned is that if I push too hard, I’m going to push back to the point where I start to hate it.
It’s okay to not want to do things sometimes. When I made the decision to focus on my health without counting calories, I didn’t realize how disconnected I felt from my body. While the initial exhilaration of calorie counting and tracking exercise and progress made me realize how my lifestyle needed to change, I realized that I don’t need it as much as I originally did. And you know what? That’s totally cool. I’ve been at this for eleven months now. My path is bound to take a different direction.
One thing I will admit is that I did have a moment this morning and this weekend of “I miss having a car.” Relying totally on my body as a means for transportation is at times overwhelming and physically exhausting. I come home feeling really good about my progress but physically drained from all of the riding. I know I will get to the point where I’m no longer tired from my usual rides, but I still think, “Shit, this is going to take a while.” In reality, I don’t miss having a car. I think what I loved and hated about driving was that it was a mindless task. It was easy for my brain to focus on something else. But when I’m on a bike, it’s the only thing I think about. I think about the road and how steep this hill might be. I think about my breathing and how hard I’m pedaling. I’m thinking, “Goddamn, learn the three feet rule, asshole.” And if I’m going to be entirely honest, I’m thinking, “Wheeeeee, shit, red light.” I guess what I’m finding out is that riding a bike is a very deep form of meditation, and sometimes, I don’t have the energy for that shit. Again, that’s totally okay.
As I write this, I’m realizing that the only rules I have to follow are my own. I hate the term, but a true, sustainable lifestyle change is something that should be slowly introduced until it feels seamless. I’m going to ride a bike the same way I lost weight. It will be filled with plateaus and “no, I don’t wannas” but after a while, it will just be a part of my life.
A Week in Pictures
This week was quite slow and uneventful. Other than the massive amounts of walking, the only thing I remember is the following video. My neighbors fought from 2:00 AM to 4:00 AM, and I was unable to get back to sleep until a few minutes before my alarm went off. I recorded it in case I ever needed to complain to the landlord about this.
The strange part is that since this fight, I haven’t heard anything since, meaning they’ve either reconciled or they’ve broken up. When I first lived here, I thought that these noises were from my neighbor right across the hall since it was so loud, but then I realized it was the wonderful couple upstairs. Since it’s been quiet, I’m almost missing the ambient sounds of violent arguing and subsequent lovemaking.
This upcoming week should be great. I’m trying out yaapana yoga this weekend, going to the Tuesday and Wednesday farmer’s markets during lunch, and riding my bike as much as I can. I am currently compiling a mix for my commute to and from work which always means serious business. And since it’s so warm and lovely outside, it’ll make my rides pretty amazing.
May 11, 2012
May 10, 2012
- Morning Commute (walked): 3.65 miles
- Lunch Walk: 1 mile
- Afternoon Commute: Got a ride home
Thursday morning at 2:00 AM, I woke up to my neighbors fighting for hours. I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I listened to their fight. I’m not sure what they were arguing about at first, but then I heard moaning noises, complete silence for a few minutes, and then the guy was screaming to her about him touching his “stuff.” I wasn’t comfortable riding my bike with little sleep, so I decided to walk to work. It was wonderful and definitely helped with my exhaustion, and I was thankful when a co-worker offered a ride home.
The only other thing I remember from yesterday is walking around the Capitol and having a pack of bicyclists ride from behind me. The leader of the group yells, “This is a designated bike lane! We’re allowed to be here.” And that’s when I realized that I am in land of the unknown. I am not a driver, not yet a cyclist. I’m wondering when that time will be where I become like the cyclist in Portlandia. Without the gauges, I think I’m getting very close.
May 11, 2012
- Morning Commute (light rail): 1 mile
- Lunch Walk/Bike Ride (if you can call it that): 3.5 miles
- Afternoon Commute: 3.45 miles
I decided that I would go on my lunch break to get a bike stictly for commuting. My Mundo is amazing but walking it up half a flight of stairs after an exhausting day of work is not the business. I also wanted something to take on the light rail since I will be taking rides with friends. An almost seven foot long bike isn’t ideal. And what better way to celebrate my elation of bike riding with debt? Whoo!
As I was walking down I Street, I was reminded of life just three years ago. When I moved into my studio apartment on J and 23rd, I decided I would walk the 12 blocks it took to get my parking pass. I was so damn out of shape. My legs hurt. I had to stop and smoke a cigarette halfway through. It was just horrible. Today, I walked even further, and I felt like I could walk more. It is so crazy feeling my progress and knowing that all of these small changes I’ve made in my life have added up.
I originally went to Mike’s Bikes on 14th and I Street and found a really great commuter bike but unfortunately, the guys in there ignored me. I obviously didn’t fit the stereotype, but I was still kind of alarmed. Anyone can like cycling, and I shouldn’t have to already be fit and have helmet head to show it. Asses. But I found my perfect bike at my favorite shop, Practical Cycle. A gorgeous Breezer Downtown 8 which rides like a total dream and will be perfect on my weekdays and quick trips that don’t require storage. I was also able to get Minnehaha Utility Pannier and Minnehaha Shoulder Bag. While I was initially looking for a step through frame, I found that the bikes felt a little cramped for my arms and far too compact for my body.
As I was riding back to work, I took a right and noticed that there was a Starbucks sign and a chair very close to each other. I thought that I could get in between them but instead knocked down the sign right into the street. I had a pause where I thought I should gun it but then I realized I would no longer be able to ride down that street without an employee saying, “Hey, look. There’s that asshole who ran over the sign.” As always, a lesson in grace can be learned from clumsiness. Also, thank goodness I didn’t look into the window, as I am sure I would have been petrified at the people laughing at me.
As for this weekend, there have been a few change of plans. Tomorrow, I will be celebrating Dillon’s birthday by us eating lots of delicious food and reminiscing. It’s crazy knowing that he and I have been friends for eight years and how much we’ve changed. On Sunday, I won’t be getting my tattoo filled or going riding with my co-worker Karen, as we both forgot it is Mother’s Day, and that I totally need a day off from life. I am also in desperate need of grocery shopping at the farmer’s market.
May 9, 2012
- Morning commute: 4.16 miles
- Lunch walk: 3 miles
- Afternoon commute: 2.33 miles
My afternoon commute was cut short when I started feeling a little wobbly on my bike. I went in to get a one month tune-up, but I noticed that my brakes were even squeakier and it still makes a funky noise as I pedal. I just started feeling a little uncomfortable riding. Also, I have learned to not wear skinny jeans on a bike. It was hilarious trying to get on and off. I think a part of it was mental though. I have been so burnt out and instead of stressing about it, I hopped off my back (if I can call it that), and just walked home with it. I felt a little bad, but I realized that I will have days like this. The key is to just pick it back up tomorrow.
Tomorrow is Bike Fest at the Capitol, and I am definitely going since they are raffling commuter bikes. I WANT A BIKE. All I have to do is bring my ID and print out my miles logged, and I’ll have a chance to win. I really, really want a smaller bike with me on days that I don’t need my Mundo. But if I don’t get it, I definitely have my eyes set on a few bikes that are friendly to my budget.
The good part is that my back is feeling a lot better. I changed my posture while I’m riding, and I think that’s helping tremendously. I also had a treat and got sushi today. Unfortunately, it wasn’t very good. Their rice had a weird texture and the fish didn’t taste very fresh, but it was so worth it after taking a long walk. Today was a really good day, and I hope tomorrow is even better.
Carless Adventures: Epiphany
- Morning Commute: 4.29 miles
- Afternoon Commute: 3.71 miles
- Total: 8 miles
I generally hate my commute home because of how busy it gets, so I decided to stay after for thirty minutes and do some reading. I found a website called Mr. Money Mustache. I fell in love while reading The True Cost of Commuting. It summed up everything I’ve learned in the past few months and reading it from someone else’s perspective gave me this tingly epiphany: I am freaking awesome.
I’m done with being modest about these things. In the past year, I have done the following:
- Lost 75 pounds
- Got my own apartment
- Sold my car
- Got a bike and now commute to and from work
- Got rid of more than 85% of my debt
- Got rid of thing I didn’t need and started living minimally
- Started this website
- Started focusing on my major passions in life (and found some I didn’t realize I had)
- Didn’t eat out and made all of my food from scratch for two whole months
- Went from barely being able to walk down the street to walking four miles and thinking I should walk MORE
And the best one of all is that I have saved my life. I have every reason to celebrate this amazing change and this amazing life. And the best way to celebrate? Riding my bike fearlessly and knowing that all of these changes were made for me. This isn’t about saving money or losing weight. It’s about blossoming. And holy crap, I’m blossoming.
Fat Chick Chronicles.
In October of 2010, I went to the Capitol with some co-workers regarding a charitable campaign for our division. My co-worker forced me to take pictures and while I was extremely pissed off at the time, I was eventually thankful. When she e-mailed the pictures to us, I was horrified. Of course, I was still destined to gain another thirty pounds before making the decision to lose weight.
Looking at these pictures, I can see how uncomfortable I was. I can also see how that dress wasn’t doing me any favors. In many ways, I still look and feel like the girl in these pictures. I can feel how depressed I was, but I could also tell that I was completely unwilling to change.
While it is still sometimes difficult seeing the physical changes, I do feel the changes overall. I am more comfortable with my body. I am more comfortable in my surroundings. My taste in fashion isn’t questionable… for the most part.
Really, this came at the perfect time. I sometimes think that I’ve gone nowhere at all but seeing this, I almost couldn’t recognize myself. I look and feel and act totally different than the way I used to be. It’s quite rad.
I remember as a kid I wondered what I would be like today. I imagined myself thin and pretty and all of these things any girl would imagine herself as. I seem to have exceeded my expectations. And while I don’t think I could ever go back to being that girl, I can’t help but thank her for teaching me how to be the strong, badass chick I am today.
